As daring leaders, we absolutely have to learn to lead through vulnerability, which does what? It opens us to the possibility of feeling shame, right?
Right about day three of our
Dare to Lead workshop, a variety of leaders - different companies, personalities, and unique value sets, but all with leadership challenges - spend time discussing the concept of shame in leadership. We have to acknowledge it, and we want to stand in a position of resilience and empathy to be a daring leader in the face of that vulnerability. How do we do that?
Imagine standing at the edge of a vast, uncharted forest. This forest, dense and a little intimidating, represents the journey of leadership – a journey filled with challenges and learning. In this forest of leadership, there's a silent shadow that often follows us, unnoticed but ever-present: shame. It's a feeling that can unexpectedly change the path we're on, making us doubt our abilities and decisions. And, it's rarely talked about openly in the corridors of power and decision-making.
In this article, we’re going to explore this shadowy companion of leadership. Shame, often mistaken for guilt, is a powerful emotion that can profoundly impact how we lead and interact with our teams. It lurks in the moments of perceived failure, when we feel vulnerable, and when we're critiqued.
But here's the heartening news: as daring,
courageous leaders, we can learn to navigate through this challenging emotion. We can move through shame with courage and resilience. This conversation isn't overcoming an obstacle; it's transforming our leadership journey into one that's more authentic, empathetic, and, ultimately, more effective.
Understanding Shame in Leadership
To get the essence of shame in leadership, we first have to distinguish it from its close relative, guilt. While guilt says, "I did something bad," shame whispers, "I
am
bad." It’s a subtle but profound difference. Guilt is about our actions; shame is about who we are.
In the leadership arena, this distinction becomes crucial. A leader might feel guilty about a mistaken decision. Feeling shame involves internalizing that mistake as a reflection of their worth and capability as a leader.
Why is shame so prevalent in leadership?
One reason is that being a leader means being front and center, right? Making decisions, guiding others, and being responsible for outcomes puts us out in the open. This visibility can make leaders particularly susceptible to feelings of shame, especially in cultures where the mindset is “leadership equals infallibility.” When leaders feel they have to always be right, any hint of failure or vulnerability can trigger a shame response.
Shame in leadership is also fed by the isolating nature of the role. As a leader, we often feel we have to hold the weight of challenges alone, making it difficult to share our struggles or seek support. This isolation can create a breeding ground for shame because it thrives on negative self-talk. Without an external perspective to challenge those negative thoughts, shame lives on.
However, it's important to understand that shame isn’t just a personal issue; it has profound implications for how we operate within an organization. Another Brene Brown quote stands out here, “who we are is how we lead.” Leaders who wrestle with shame might become overly defensive, resistant to feedback, or excessively critical of themselves and others. This can stifle innovation, create a toxic work environment, and hinder the leader's ability to connect with and inspire their team.
Recognizing and addressing shame is a critical component of effective, empathetic leadership. By understanding the nuances of shame, you can dismantle its influence in your relationships and lean into your values to become a more daring leader.
The Sources of Shame for Leaders
Shame is a chameleon. It can show up in many forms and come from several sources. Understanding these sources is crucial for us, as daring leaders, to recognize and address them.
Let's explore some of the most common triggers.
1. Perceived Failures and Mistakes
In leadership, it feels like every decision
matters. We're all human, and mistakes are inevitable.
When a project flops or a decision leads to unfavorable outcomes, you may internalize these events as personal failures. This is especially true in organizations where the culture is unforgiving, and mistakes are seen as personal flaws instead of opportunities for learning.
2. Vulnerability and Exposure
The act of leading involves making tough calls. A lot of times, it means being the face of both success and failure. This exposure can be daunting.
When you reveal a personal challenge, admit uncertainty, or express emotions, you might fear this openness is perceived as weakness, feeding into a sense of shame about your leadership abilities.
3. Criticism and Public Scrutiny
Feedback is a double-edged sword.
Constructive criticism is essential for growth, and it can often be seen as a personal attack, leading to feelings of inadequacy and shame. In our hyper-connected world, where feedback can come from multiple sources – including social media – the intensity of this scrutiny is amplified.
4. Comparison and Competition
In a world where leaders are constantly compared to their peers – whether through professional achievements, charisma, or leadership styles – it's easy to fall into the trap of comparison. This can lead to feelings of not being 'good enough.'
Let me add that the person comparing you to your peers can be you, and those ‘not enough’ feelings can be stronger when you’re the one measuring your “worth” against the perceived successes of others.
5. Personal Values and Organizational Culture Clash
Leaders often face situations where their personal values are at odds with organizational practices or decisions. This dissonance can lead to a deep sense of shame as we struggle to reconcile our inner beliefs and values with our professional roles.
Understanding these sources of shame is like shining a light into the corners of a dark room. It helps us see the contours of the challenge we face. In doing so, we can begin the journey of addressing and moving
beyond
shame, transforming it from a barrier into a bridge towards more authentic and resilient leadership.
Strategies to Move Through Shame as a Daring Leader
For the rest of this article, I want to talk about moving through shame, and how the organizational culture can be supportive of that journey. You absolutely don’t have to let it define your actions as a daring leader.
Moving through shame requires courage and a toolbox of strategies. Here are practical ways you can combat and grow through your experiences with shame:
Embrace Vulnerability
Brené Brown's work teaches us the power of vulnerability in leadership. It's the courage to show up and be seen, even when there are no guarantees. This might mean openly discussing failures, acknowledging fears, or expressing uncertainty. Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness; it's a testament to strength and authenticity.
Practice Empathy
Empathy is a powerful antidote to shame. It involves understanding and sharing the feelings of others. As leaders, practicing empathy starts with self-empathy – being kind to ourselves in moments of shame and recognizing that no one is alone in experiencing these feelings.
Reframe Perspectives
Co-Active Coaching introduces the concept of reframing perspectives. When we feel shame, it's often because we're viewing a situation through a negative lens. By consciously choosing to see things from a different angle – seeing a failure as a learning opportunity, for example – we can shift our emotional response.
Engage in Courageous Conversations
Having honest and open conversations about difficult topics, including personal feelings of shame, can be liberating. It allows daring leaders to address the issue head-on and seek support rather than letting shame fester in silence.
Those conversations can be with our support system, providing a more realistic view of our current situation. Empathy from our cheerleaders is a great start to shutting down the negative self-talk that feeds the shame.
The Role of Organizational Culture in Addressing Shame
The
culture of an organization plays a significant role in how shame is experienced and handled by its leaders. Here’s how a supportive culture can make a difference:
Foster an Empathetic Culture
Organizations can foster a culture where vulnerability is viewed as a strength. This means creating a safe space for leaders to express their challenges without fear of judgment or reprisal.
Use Assessments
Assessments can be instrumental in creating a supportive environment. By understanding leaders' personality traits and stressors, your organization can tailor its support systems to be more effective. For example, if a leader feels isolated under stress, your organization can provide more collaborative projects or mentoring opportunities.
Conclusion
As we conclude, let's revisit the key points explored on this journey through understanding and addressing shame in leadership.
Shame is a common and rarely discussed emotion in leadership that can profoundly impact how we operate and interact with our teams. It’s possible to move through shame with strategies like embracing vulnerability, practicing empathy, reframing perspectives, and engaging in courageous conversations.
Remember, addressing shame is not a sign of weakness. It is, in fact, a courageous step towards stronger, more empathetic, more daring leadership. Recognizing and dealing with our feelings of shame opens the door to more authentic and effective leadership.
