Have you ever faced a conversation that you wished you could avoid? One where the stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong?
Whether you are a leader, a coach, or just a someone showing up trying to do your best on any given day, the hard truth is engaging in conflict feels risky. Most of us feel the signals in our body. Our heart races, our palms get sweaty, our shoulders and neck tighten up. These physical symptoms are a signal of a threat. Not a life terminating threat but something almost as devastating, a threat to belonging.
You see, humans have evolved into relational beings. Belonging is essential to our wellbeing. Engaging in conflict feels like it might have a negative impact on our relationships. Maybe someone won’t like what we have to say, or we’ll hurt their feelings. But what we don’t intuitively sense is that by not engaging in productive conflict, that is when the real threat to belonging occurs.
It may feel counter-intuitive, but conflict is a path that can bring us together, help us get better together. And because the stakes are high and relationships matter to us, it’s essential to build our skill and our courage in navigating hard conversations. When we do it well, it may not feel great, but its completely worth it.
We all have hard conversations at work and at home that we need to have with others. Often the risks are high. We care about the person and worry we will diminish their trust and change our relationship. We often don’t trust ourselves to stay true to our values while staying true to our beliefs. So instead of skilling up for hard conversations we either punt and become too nice, or we come out too strong or we avoid the whole mess.
In this article, we'll explore the art of navigating these difficult dialogues, whether in our personal lives or professional settings. While these conversations are about confronting conflict, they also open pathways to understanding, resolution, and a way forward.
Identifying Difficult Conversations
Difficult conversations can come in many forms: a disagreement with a colleague, giving critical feedback, or even addressing sensitive topics. They are characterized by their potential to create discomfort or conflict. Identifying these conversations is the first step towards handling them effectively.
Often, we can identify the physical signs first - tension, sweaty palms, or a racing heart are all signs that indicate a challenging dialogue is needed. While the physical signs can help us notice we’re sailing into dangerous waters, we can also predict difficulties in certain types of conversations. This helps us anticipate and plan accordingly.
Performance Reviews and Feedback Sessions
Giving feedback, particularly when it pertains to areas of improvement or criticism, can be particularly challenging. Such conversations require a delicate balance between honesty and empathy to avoid demoralizing the recipient while still conveying essential information that could foster growth and improvement.
Differing Viewpoints, Ideas, or Opinions
Disagreements or conflicts, whether between colleagues or within teams, necessitate difficult conversations. These dialogues often involve addressing grievances, miscommunications, or differing opinions to restore harmony and find mutually acceptable solutions.
Setting Professional and Personal Boundaries
Negotiations, whether they concern salary, project terms, or business deals, can also be challenging. These discussions require assertiveness and clarity, combined with the ability to listen and adapt to the other party’s needs and constraints.
Negotiating space, such as enforcing personal or professional boundaries can be awkward but necessary. These conversations are essential for maintaining respect and clarity between individuals, particularly in settings where roles and responsibilities must be clearly delineated.
Discussing Sensitive Topics
Conversations that involve delivering bad news, such as job terminations, project cancellations, or significant organizational changes, are inherently difficult. They need to be handled with sensitivity and care to mitigate the impact of the negative news while addressing any consequent reactions or emotions. When personal or culturally sensitive topics need to be discussed, such as personal conduct or workplace diversity, they require a high level of tact, cultural awareness, and empathy.
Change
Navigating change can be challenging for all of us. Sometimes we are at the limits of our capacity. The speed, intensity, and complexity of change can have us feeling vulnerable and in need of self-protection which can make conversations hard.
Why These Conversations Are Important
Difficult conversations, despite their potential discomfort, play a critical role in fostering clear communication, personal development, and professional integrity. Here’s why they are indispensable:
Growth and Development
Constructive feedback helps individuals learn and grow. Challenging dialogues often provide insights that are not possible in more congenial conversations, pushing individuals to refine their skills or adjust their behaviors.
Conflict Resolution
Addressing conflicts directly can prevent festering issues that might otherwise lead to a toxic environment. Such conversations aim to resolve misunderstandings and rebuild relationships based on mutual respect.
Clarity and Direction
Negotiations and boundary-setting discussions are crucial for defining expectations and roles. They ensure that all parties are on the same page with goals, vision, and outcomes, which is essential for smooth operational flow.
Trust and Transparency
Openly discussing sensitive topics and delivering unwelcome news with integrity builds trust and transparency within an organization. It demonstrates leadership’s commitment to honesty and ethical practices.
Resilience and Adaptability
Engaging in difficult conversations builds resilience and equips individuals with the skills needed to handle adversity in personal and professional settings. Adaptability learned through navigating these talks is invaluable across all areas of life.
Identifying when such conversations are necessary involves being attuned to the dynamics of your relationships and the broader organizational climate. Recognizing the signs early can lead to proactive engagement and more constructive outcomes, making the discomfort of the moment a worthwhile investment in the future stability and health of interpersonal and professional relationships.
It’s so important to approach hard conversations with your best, most creative self instead of your armored, defensive, or reactive self. How you come into a hard conversation is all up to you.
How to Have a Courageous Conversation
Engaging in a hard conversation takes courage. You can also increase your chances of a successful outcome with careful preparation and a mindset geared towards constructive outcomes. This section outlines the crucial steps to effectively navigate such dialogues, ensuring they lead to understanding and resolution rather than conflict.
There is a great quote from Matt Damon’s character, Benjamin Mee, in
We Bought a Zoo. “You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage… literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery, and I promise you, something great will come of it.”
That is kind of what it takes to approach a hard conversation. A willingness to be vulnerable and brave for just the first 20 seconds. Then the really hard part is over and the commitment to the relationship and getting through the hard conversation together can take over. Here are some tips to help you get as ready as you can for those 20 seconds of “insane courage”.
Preparation is key.
Before diving into a difficult conversation, it's important to get clear on your objectives. Make sure you understand your and core values so you can maintain integrity throughout the discussion. Practice your starting statements to invite dialogue and understanding, such as, "I'm telling myself a story about what's going on and I wanted to get your thoughts," or "I want to understand your side of things." Being prepared in these ways can help you approach the conversation with clarity and empathy.
Listen with curiosity.
Get vulnerable; lay down your armor (and weapons). Listen with as much enthusiasm as you want to be heard. Remain calm. Use techniques like “yes… and …" to respect what the other person has said before you add your part to the conversation. Explore the stories both sides have made up and refine your assumptions.
Keep calm and / or circle back.
Don’t be afraid to circle back or take a time out. The concept of circling back is vital in maintaining the integrity and continuity of a difficult conversation. It allows for reflection on what has been discussed, reassessing and clarifying any points that may have been misunderstood or overlooked. This step ensures that all parties stay on the same page and can significantly help in reinforcing mutual understanding and respect.
Own your part.
Everything is co-created. "Owning your part" means acknowledging your contributions to the issue at hand, whether they are actions, assumptions, or reactions. This practice not only demonstrates integrity and self-awareness but also encourages a reciprocative openness from the other party.
By admitting your own mistakes or misunderstandings, you set a tone of honesty and humility that can diffuse defensiveness and pave the way for a more collaborative and solution-focused dialogue. It can sound like you are using more “I” statements and language.
Manage your emotions.
One of the toughest aspects of courageous conversations is managing emotions - both yours and theirs. It’s important to recognize when emotions are running high and take steps to de-escalate the situation. This may involve taking a break from the conversation or acknowledging the emotional weight of the discussion.
Learning from Difficult Dialogues
Every difficult conversation is an opportunity to learn and grow. Reflecting on these dialogues can provide insights into your communication style, emotional triggers, and understanding of others. Consider what went well, what could have been better, and what you can do differently next time.
Wrapping it Up
Courageous conversations are not just about facing tough talks; they’re about embracing the opportunity for growth and connection they present. They require honesty, empathy, and above all, the courage to step into the unknown territory of candid dialogue.
As a coach, I often have to help clients prepare for hard conversations. And I often end up on the side where I have to share things that might be hard for a client to hear. My clients don’t always like everything I have to say. I can’t avoid the conversation, but I can manage my part in conversation from a place of grace and grit. With compassion and strength.
Think about a difficult conversation you might be avoiding. What would it take for you to approach it? Remember, the goal isn’t to win an argument but to foster understanding and find a path forward. With practice, patience, and courage, these conversations can transform into gateways for deeper connections and resolutions. Let's embrace these dialogues not just as challenges, but as opportunities to build stronger, more honest relationships in every aspect of our lives.
Barb
