As I spoke about in "Empathy in Action: What Does it Look Like?",
empathy plays a crucial role in building authentic personal and professional connections. In Brené Brown’s book "Dare to Lead," she delves into the concept of empathy and identifies several common pitfalls that can occur when attempting to practice empathy.
6 Empathy Misses to Avoid
These pitfalls, referred to as "empathy misses," represent well-intentioned attempts to connect with others that unfortunately fall short and can sometimes lead to disconnection instead. Understanding these empathy misses is crucial for anyone looking to foster genuine connections in both personal and professional contexts.
1. Sympathy versus Empathy
One of the critical empathy misses identified by Brown is confusing sympathy with empathy. While sympathy involves feeling pity or sorrow for someone’s hardships, empathy requires us to connect with the feelings that underlie these hardships.
When we respond with sympathy, saying things like "I feel so sorry for you," it can create a sense of separation between us and the person suffering. In contrast, empathy bridges this gap by fostering a feeling of companionship and unity, such as "You aren’t alone." Empathy doesn’t require that we’ve been there, only that we believe them when they share their experience.
2. The Block of Silver Lining
Often, in an attempt to make people feel better, we might be tempted to point out the silver lining or look on the bright side of a situation. Phrases like "At least you..." or "It could be worse..." are intended to soothe, but they can instead minimize the other person’s feelings.
This type of response is an empathy miss because it does not acknowledge the real pain or emotional experience the person is expressing. True empathy listens and validates these feelings without rushing to resolve or diminish them.
3. Over-identification
While empathy involves connecting with another's emotions, over-identifying with them can lead to another empathy miss. This occurs when we make the conversation about us instead of the other person.
For instance, responding with "The same thing happened to me," and shifting the focus to our own similar experiences, can feel dismissive. Empathy requires keeping the focus on the other person’s feelings and experiences, offering support and understanding from a place of connection, not comparison.
4. The Fix-It Urge
Another common empathy miss is the urge to give advice or solve problems before fully understanding the emotional context or whether the person is seeking such help. Responses like "I can fix this, or I can fix you," assume that the person needs fixing and that their problem is something to be solved immediately.
While well-intentioned, this approach can make the person feel undervalued as an individual with agency and the capacity to handle their issues. Effective empathy involves listening and understanding first, and offering advice or solutions only when it’s clear that this is desired by the other person.
5. Avoiding the Dark Emotions
Another common empathy miss is the discomfort with or avoidance of 'dark' emotions like anger, sadness, or fear. It can be challenging to sit with someone in these emotions, and you may be tempted to change the subject, make light of the situation, or disconnect. However, true empathy involves the courage to be present with someone in their discomfort and pain, showing that these emotions are normal and acceptable to express.
6. Discharging Comfort with Blame
When confronted with uncomfortable emotions, either in us or others, it’s instinctual to seek a culprit or an explanation to alleviate the discomfort. This empathy miss, referred to as "discharging comfort with blame," involves responding to emotional distress by looking for someone to blame.
For example, saying "This feels terrible, who can we blame?" shifts the focus from dealing with the emotions and supporting the person to assigning fault. This response not only sidesteps the opportunity to connect empathetically but can also escalate tensions and foster a more adversarial environment. True empathy requires staying with the discomfort and addressing the emotional needs of the person, rather than diverting the conversation to blame.
Why These Misses Are Problematic
These empathy misses are problematic because they prioritize our own comfort or responses over the genuine emotional needs of the person seeking support. They can lead to feelings of isolation or misunderstanding, exactly the opposite of the connection that empathy seeks to build. By recognizing these tendencies in ourselves, we can work to avoid them, thus deepening our empathetic engagements.
Empathy, when practiced correctly, fosters a supportive and understanding environment, crucial for healthy personal and professional relationships. Avoiding these empathy misses helps maintain focus on the person's feelings and experiences, thereby building trust and facilitating a genuine connection. This approach not only strengthens interpersonal dynamics but also enriches our capacity to lead and collaborate effectively.
Wrapping it Up
Empathy in action makes a genuine effort to understand and connect with clients on a deeper level. This skill enhances client relationships, but also enriches our personal growth and professional journey.
As we wrap up, think about how you can incorporate more empathy into your daily interactions. Remember, every interaction is an opportunity to practice empathy. These small, consistent efforts can lead to big changes in how we do business and connect with those around us.
