We can probably all agree that failing doesn’t feel good. It goes beyond being upset that we didn’t accomplish what we set out to do; feelings of shame and embarrassment are associated with failure. Even just that word conjures up a knot in most people’s stomachs.
Your friends, colleagues, and acquaintances may try to express their support, but end up missing the mark in what Dr. Brené Brown calls an "Empathy Miss". They might say something like " you poor thing" which is more sympathy than empathy. Or they might get competitive and say something like, "If you think that's bad, let me tell you what happened to me!" Empathy misses may be well intentioned, but they often make things worse.
What if you've had the power to turn your ship around all along? The physics of life and putting yourself out there to achieve your goals means you
will
find yourself face down. Yet, daring leadership isn't a call to perfection; it's a call to be the "man in the arena", as Dr. Brown calls it. To be resilient and to
use
that resilience so that, even though you may stumble and fall, you have the strength to pick yourself up after a setback.
In
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Brené shares a quote from Teddy Roosevelt that really resonated with her:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly… who at the best knows in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly."
― Theodore Roosevelt
Everybody Fails…
Think about it; you’ve heard millions of failure stories from now-very successful people from all industries. Hardly anybody is a winner right out of the gate. Most people call this “paying their dues,” but really, calling it a learning process would be more accurate.
Even if you don’t know any of these “fails turned big” success stories personally, you surely know people in your own life who can now laugh as they tell you their awful missteps. So listen to those, and take heart. Really hear what the storytellers are saying; it helps tremendously to know you aren’t alone in this.
Failure doesn’t have to be the end of that goal for you. Nothing is ever final until you decide so. In most cases, it’s possible to bounce back from defeat and move on to achieve your goal.
49% of Americans say that fear of failure gets in the way of them reaching or trying again for their goals. You definitely can’t achieve anything you don’t try for!
But Not Everybody Fails Up
The term “failing forward” frequently connotes somebody who somehow lands great success despite not deserving it. However, there is another definition that is a much more positive use of the phrase.
To “fail forward” means that you
find meaning in your failure and use it to your advantage. It is possible - advisable, even - to make your loss work for you.
Whether learning a lesson from what went wrong or drawing renewed motivation or passion from losing out on your goal, you can always pull some good from the bad. Even if all you can say is that you did the best you could do, and you’re proud of your efforts to achieve the goal, it’s still failing
forward.
It’s like the rainbow after the rain storm.
Failing forward requires not giving up. There is always more to be done, so take a moment to catch your breath and be sad or angry, then get back to work.
Failure Helps You Learn
How often have you lain awake at night replaying interactions you had throughout the day, often kicking yourself for something goofy you said? “I should have said this instead” is a common reaction to remembering many of the things you said.
Take a similar reflective approach to your failures without letting your inner saboteurs control your energy and narrative. Set aside time to mull over what went wrong.
Reviewing your successes can help you learn what to do to recreate your win; analyzing your failures works to help you learn how to avoid them.
Next, write down your observations. Make a list of everything you learned, no matter how grand or small. For example, you may have learned that you should have started on your project sooner than you did or that you relied too heavily on one resource that turned out to be less helpful than you hoped. These are all excellent observations and need to be remembered for the next time.
As part of her Dare to Lead™ program, Dr. Brené Brown suggests we do three things when we find ourselves face down. Learn to Rise by:
- Letting yourself have all the negative reactions you want. We call this writing your SFD, or ($h!tty First Draft).
- Pause, regroup, and look underneath your first reaction. What patterns, themes, lessons, or gifts emerged for you?
- How do you want to integrate this learning into new habits, competencies, and awareness going forward?
Armoring Up Will Slow You Down
You might automatically start to form armor as personal protection against the feelings that may come from failure. However, that armor isn't so much protection as it is a hinderance, keeping you from learning and growing.
A
study from the University of Colorado Denver found that people learn more when they fail than they do when they succeed. Those lessons stick with you much longer than what you attain from your victories.
“Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out.”
― Benjamin Franklin
Failure can be more than instructional; it can challenge you to get creative. You might look at it from the viewpoint of one approach not working, so what other action can you take? How else can you try to reach your goal?
The Healthy Way to Face Failure
Most people’s first instinct when they learn they failed at something is to feel upset, and that’s perfectly fine! It’s healthy to allow yourself a bit of grieving time because failing at something can feel like a loss. You can feel like you lost the possible future you saw with the success you were aiming for.
Keep Your Goal in Mind
However, that doesn’t mean you should give up on your goal in your grief. If you allow yourself to feel defeated, it will be almost impossible to get back up and try again. Keep your goal in mind and remind yourself that you can still achieve what you set out to do; you just need to keep trying. Write it on a piece of paper and stick it to your refrigerator, your coffee pot, or any place you will see it every day.
Reframe Your Outlook
It helps to reframe your outlook. Working toward a goal is a learning process, so you learned, not failed. Rather than think of it as “I failed”, consider it an opportunity to learn how to better achieve your goal. You just need to re-think things and try a new tactic.
Celebrate Your Failure
Once you’re done with your grieving and your re-planning process, celebrate your failure! It may sound odd, but it’s a critical part of building resilience, helping you adjust your outlook. This celebration can look like anything you want it to, whether it’s a champagne toast to salute your process or sharing a large extra-cheese pizza and a favorite movie with a loved one.
This could also be like Calvin and Hobbs (yes I'm dating myself) but when Calvin failed, he always popped right back up and yelled "TA-DA!"
